‘There Isn’t Just One Way’

Written by Dr. Clifford Saunders - The Brain Reprogramming Doctor on March 3, 2020. Posted in Current News

I am a practicing Cybernetician: the study and use of the properties of large, messy, probabilistic, goal oriented systems ~ like our brains.  I am also an Electrical Engineer and Applied Psychologist, and I have been very active in the fields of Neuroplasticity and Cranial Electro Stimulation technologies for many years.

Our brains are NEUROPLASTIC ~ they are not stuck, they never stop changing and evolving until we die.  I show people how to harness this innate quality of their brains and to apply it to their own lives ~ I call the process BRAIN REPROGRAMMING.

There are many Cranial Electro Stimulation (CES) units on the market today.  A CES unit is an FDA approved, frequency generator that provides carefully sculpted electrical fields that can entrain or ‘talk to’ our brains in beneficial ways.  Some CES units provide different frequencies that the user can choose from to effect their desired changes.  The field of “Stim Teck’ is growing exponentially.

This article is a Case Study illustrating the successfully combined application of Neuroplasticity and Cranial Electro Stimulation with an individual.  It describes the story of ‘Jo’, a woman in her early 40s who has been able to get herself out of a Hell Hole of over three decades of crippling anxiety.  ‘Jo’ tells us in her own words her journey of self-healing using these tools.

Jo’s Story

I have known Jo for many years, since she was eight in fact.  

About six months ago I unexpectedly heard from Jo.  It had been a couple of decades since we had really connected.

Now about 40.  An intelligent, attractive and funny woman.  In tears. Close to suicide.  And so began Jo’s process of Healing her Own Brain and Getting HerSelf Out of Hell. 

Jo’s transformation has been nothing short of miraculous as you will soon see. 

Get some tissues.

Over to you, Jo: 

• Hello Jo, what situation were you in just before you contacted me?

I was desperate. I knew the moment I emailed you that you were my last hope. At least that is what it felt like for me. If I could not find my way out of my anxiety, I was more than ready to die. I thought about killing myself every day …for months. It consumed me. I couldn’t take another day of it. It had been going on for decades and I just could not get a handle on it anymore.  And, I was beyond exhausted and completely hopeless.

Before this year, I had experienced this more in cycles – sometimes I had periods where I was ok, even good and then the anxiety would cycle in with a lovely complement of depressive episodes. But I managed through them. Some were worse than others but I would pull through.

This past year, I had been taken out at the knees with a work situation that evoked every ounce of anxiety that was hibernating inside of me. I was off work for 3 months on sick leave – the first time it had ever got to this level – where I could barely get out of bed, go outside or talk to anyone. Then, I thought I was getting better but I wasn’t – if anything, I got worse.  I saw something you published on Facebook and I just thought that it sounded odd but you suggested that you could help with anxiety and I had nothing to lose. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t focus. I was sabotaging every good thing in my life just to hold on. I was beyond stuck in a rut that was slowly killing me. While I had great friends and a good support system, all I had ever learned to do was to ‘manage’ my anxiety which made my life small and controlled. I had remained single for years as I could never let anyone know the real me. It was hell inside of me and no one would want that.

I had been able to pretend my way through an undergrad, graduate degree and through a good career with few people ever knowing that it felt like I was lifting a 200-pound weight over my head while running up hill every day. Every cell of my being was exhausted. But the worst part was not just my tortured thoughts, it was the incessant panic that lived in my body – frenetic, uncontrollable panic – about everything. I had seen countless therapists but I found none of them really understood. Then I spoke with you. And as I cried uncontrollably on the phone with you – you said some things and it made me think that you actually understood what was going on with me.

• What was the first thing I got you to do?

If I recall, the first meeting you helped me to understand my brain and encouraged me to write a letter to my brain. I remember you asking me what the name of my brain was and all I could think of was that my brain was evil – we named her Cruella. And, while now I find that funny, at the time, I was ‘in the wars’ (as you called it) with Cruella and she scared the living shit right out of me. You wanted me to start to communicate with the one thing that I was completely terrified of, that I had let rule my life and tortured my experiences. While I thought it was silly, fortunately, I was so desperate that I would have done anything.

You also got me to look into the CES device. You were inviting me to experience a resolution without taking any drugs. I had avoided taking any prescriptions for my anxiety my whole life because I just knew it was not going to help – it certainly was not going to resolve whatever was eating me whole from the inside out. I trusted my gut that prescriptions were not my solution – they may be for someone else, in fact, I have encouraged others to take them but I knew they were not for me. So, when you proposed that an electrical pulse could help and that the research had been in place on this for decades, damn right I was willing to try. I had been doing research on anxiety for years and I knew this had to do with my brain and the trauma it experienced when I was a kid. I knew that my brain reacted in panic and fear to almost every possible stimulus – panic was my go-to reaction, fear was its best friend. The two would spiral me into the depths of despair…daily. So, if an electronic pulse, as simple as that, could interrupt this pattern, I was all in. And, so I bought my CES device right after we got off the phone.

• Who is Cruella?

Great question – who is Cruella?! Well, at first, I didn’t really understand who ‘she’ was. In fact, I was a complete victim to every whim, every ounce of adrenaline she could throw at me. You helped me to understand that my brain, while it was in control, was ME and so therefore, I could be in control – at the time that seemed completely impossible. While ‘it’ felt separate from me, like a horrible, cruel mistress, I soon realized that I could make friends with Cruella – that I could ‘outthink’ her, that she was functioning from the past and I could function from today. I felt sorry for her. She was being tortured too, doing the best she could with what she had – which was not much. Cruella is the name I gave my brain. I gave her a name so I could start to communicate with her differently. I gave her this name because she deserved one. She was my ruler. Now we are friends.

• When you hit a crisis, what did you do?

Crisis came easy for me. While people used to say I was ‘so put together’, I struggled deeply with confidence and a profound need for people to like me. A simple odd look on someone’s face I could interpret as against me. Then ‘crisis’ and compulsive thinking ran its play. Never mind, that I lived in a state of panic for most of my days. I have heard people talk about panic attacks and those are terrible and they pass. I lived in constant minor panic attacks. I felt a surge of adrenaline and heat overwhelm my body multiple times a day – on a good day. An email, the phone ringing or a car cutting me off on the road could launch my system into a minor panic state. And, then it could spiral and so perhaps that is what you mean by a crisis. One panic would lead to another or one panic moment could become a spearhead for obsessive, negative thinking patterns that would throw me into a full out panic attack that could last for days. You see, I believed my thoughts and they created a shadow over everything. And, then I had to pretend, to the external world, that I was totally ok.

Ultimately it would all overwhelm me!

So, once I started working with you and exploring the CES device, I began to feel different. You taught me how to use it to interrupt the panic pattern and that helped immensely. And, even though I had studied yoga for years and knew about the essence of breath work, the combination of using breath work guided by your explanation of it and the CES device, I discovered a pathway – literally a new pathway in my brain – that led me out of the panic. If I could explain it better, I would. One 45-minute session on frequency 6 and I was walking away from the Hell, diving deep into dark thoughts and moved into the lush, green, quiet forest where there was fresh air and I could see clearly.

And to be very clear, when I can see clearly – I experience it as a blessing because I know and have experienced the other side of the coin. I don’t take it for granted. I don’t think I am cured. I think I am re-training my brain to have other choices on how it reacts to stimuli. However, I am no fool – I have 38 out of 43 years being in constant panic. Cruella knows that pathway well but now I am able to access other ways of responding, ways I truly never knew were possible before!

And, Cliff – you taught me a very important lesson: BAATM. This is the ‘Best Answer At The Moment‘. I appreciate this because I don’t want to sound like what I’m doing is IT – use the CES device and you are HEALED. I call bullshit on anyone who says one thing has healed them. Yes, I use the CES device daily and yes, it helps my brain to access different parts of itself but it is still my job to build, reinforce and sustain these new neuro-pathways that are developing! It is my job to focus on my breath and breathe consciously, to eat well, to exercise in ways that nourish my body, to laugh, to love, to be in community and in connection, to get sunshine on my face, to be fully present, here, now, and always in the current moment. All of these other components of the work are still my responsibility. Therefore, if this is the best answer at the moment, then all that creates is an openness and insatiable curiosity to keep learning and keep practicing and building more internal resources to live wanting to live, rather than live wanting to die.

• What did the weekly homework do for you?

The homework was ‘simple’ yet not easy in some ways at the beginning and here is why I think this was. The first thing you asked me to do was write a letter to my brain. A letter totalling a paragraph which could easily take the average person 5 minutes. But see, a brain in panic is a brain that is addicted to its panic and anything it thinks may interfere, it rejects with all sorts of convincing thoughts like ‘this is stupid’, ‘this won’t work’, ‘Cliff is ridiculous’, ‘what does he know’, and so on. Those are probably nicer versions of what I was actually thinking but you get the point. And yet, I was at my rock bottom so I did it anyway. Week after week, you asked me to do very minor tasks and I did them. And, it helped. The CES device was soaking my brain in a bath of new frequencies and while new pathways were opening, we were filling them with new little habits, thoughts, processes that could be used to deepen the structure and tenacity of my new path.

I picture the guys who have to build the trenches on the frontline of a war. With their little shovel they begin, and they are doing it at night so no one can see them but they know the dangers that lurk around them. But they keep going and going until one day, the trench is deep enough for them to stand in and the enemies can no longer see them. They now know they can begin to move around freely day or night. That’s what the homework was – little unsuspecting trench diggers.

• How did you use the Guided Visualizations?

Ok. These are little pieces of magic. To this day I don’t think I have heard a single one to completion. I use them at night. I have my phone beside my bed and I use the one you sent me for the week. Each night, I would pray (something I started doing this year – or as you might call it, I would talk to Cruella) and then I would turn on the guided visualization for the week. I would hear the first 2 minutes maybe and then I was gone. I have no idea what any of them said, but I am telling you, they are magic.

Within a few weeks, I was having very different thoughts. Positive thoughts. Ha! Amazing. Positive thoughts about myself, about my life, about situations that in the past would have put me into panic. It was like a version of a Christmas I could have never imagined. I wondered if this is how other people thought? If this was how other people thought, I could understand why they were enjoying their life. Can you understand how profound that question was? I had never in my life had these thoughts! I have no idea what is said in those visualizations, and quite frankly I don’t care. Cruella loves them. Now that I am done your program, I pick one at random every night. I look at the list, I ask Cruella which one she needs to support her and we are off to the races!

My bed used to be a torture chamber, literally. And, now, it isn’t a dream cloud but even when I wake in the middle of the night, which is still often, I just lay there, allow myself to rest. There are fewer and fewer middle of the night panic attacks and when they come, I know I can calm myself and just see it for what it is – my old neuropathways trying to survive. I thank them for reminding me they are still there, that I am not healed and I still have work to do.

I mean seriously – who is this person? I barely recognize myself!

You told me ‘healing is a taxis’ response – the movement of an organism toward a stimulus like light or food. The combination of you sharing your knowledge via the homework you assigned, the CES device and the guided visualizations was the first taste my brain had ever had of light or food and it was happening all out of my awareness initially. Then I started to heal and kept healing. I don’t know how this works, I just know that it is working for me. I am different. I am changing. It is happening without me thinking about how to do it. That is all I know. I used to live in a very small, controlled world of managing my panic and anxiety. As I get calmer, my world is growing much bigger.

• When did you feel you could actually get out of Hell?

I remember it well. We had a call – it was week 5. I was ‘in anxiety’ on a quick spiral to panic. My breath was short, my head was spinning and I thought ‘fuck, here it is again’. You encouraged me to try out different frequencies to see how they could help. Of course, I thought it would never work. Throughout our call, I would try out 20 minutes of each of the different frequencies. I felt no different. I was going to die of panic and I knew it. The last frequency I tried was 6. I felt nothing. Our call ended. I went straight back to my work emails (which had triggered the early morning panic attack) and continued my work and then something happened. All of a sudden, in a moment, I realized that I wasn’t feeling panic anymore. I could not pinpoint when it ended but I sure as shit did not feel it anymore. I was on a call and was laughing with a colleague and I wasn’t worried or anxious. I had no idea what happened but something happened and the panic was gone. For me, a miracle.

Later you explained “Remember, one of the worst feelings we can feel is the feeling of helplessness.  But if you now know you can knock out the misery pattern using different combinations of CES device frequencies, then you are not helpless because you can do something about it.  If you have a stout stick in your hand, you can whack an animal on its nose if it tries to attack you.  You are not helpless.”

Well thank you very much. Panic has no hold on me anymore. I am on a different path and this one does not lead to Hell.

• What do you do when ‘one of those little episodes’ rears its ugly mug?

They still happen. They love to come in the middle of the night or first thing in the morning. The difference now is for some reason I can sense it coming – like in Poker, I have learned it’s ‘tell’ and I know what’s coming. This buys me some time. It buys me a split second to see it for what it is and while I can’t always prevent it from rearing its ugly head, I have a much better handle on what to do, how to be with it. I try not to push through the episodes anymore. I try and slow everything down. Remember the tools that have worked for me and put them into play. So, while I still experience anxiety and panic, it is almost as if I have a different relationship with them. I don’t fear them as much, so they don’t spiral as much. It isn’t perfect but it also doesn’t make me want to jump off a bridge. I do it all without any prescription drugs. I love myself through it and then I acknowledge that I did it – I changed the path. Anything is possible.

• Where to from here?

My favourite kind of question – one with no answer. I don’t know. Well, I don’t know much but I do know now that I cannot remain silent about my experience. There are others, many others out there suffering the way I was. I learned a long time ago that nothing is for sure, nothing is forever. I still wonder if the panic and anxiety will come back and kill me. Because if it came back the way it was, I would not do it again. I would be gone. I will never live my life like that again. Maybe that is the only one thing I know for sure. But, unless that happens, I am going to live my life being much more open about my experience.

Here is what I have learned – every time I share with someone, I learn that they too are on the spectrum of anxiety and panic to some degree. Some of them know it but many of them believe the stories they are telling themselves about it. ‘Life is busy and so you just have to push through’, ‘I just have to think positive thoughts and I will feel better’, ‘I have to get some meds or I will die’, ‘I am crazy’ and I am not a doctor or a psychologist and maybe they are right.

Maybe you do have to push through, that positive thoughts will heal you, and you may very well need medication. I don’t know the path for you but I do know there is a path for you and you have to search for it and never stop looking for the unique combination of stimuli that creates your taxis response.

• Any last thoughts, Jo?

Yes. If the healing ain’t happening, what you are doing ain’t working!

If you are ‘managing’ your anxiety but your life is getting smaller and smaller and if you are seeing the same patterns continue to repeat themselves in your life over and over again, then your new trenches are not yet dug deep enough. And, for those of you who face the question of death daily as I did, I am going to say something unconventional – good for you! Once you face death and are no longer scared of it because it is a viable option, then you are free. I realized this a few weeks back – I am not scared of death at all – bring it on if that is what is my path. Do you know how much freedom is in that?

There is a way through. Your brain wants to heal and you need to help it to choose other pathways. It is possible.

From one crazy, death obsessed, panic addicted, imperfect human to another – it is possible to live life wanting to live and not wanting to die.

Thanks, Jo.  This is a very inspiring story.

For more information on the techniques and tools I used with Jo, you can reach me at:

[email protected]

or call 651 447 6447  or Skype: cliffordstewartsaunders

I look forward to hearing from you.  Dr. Clifford Saunders

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